Dear friends,
Thought I'd share the first chapter of my comedy fantasy detective spoof with you. It's available on Amazon in both e-book and paperback. Suitable for ages 8 through 108. :-)
http://www.amazon.com/Princess-Primrose-Curse-Big-Sleep/dp/0944577091
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Chapter
One
In the Lair of
Moribunda McEvil
Moribunda McEvil lived in an old
dusty cobwebby sort of place---the sort of place that you might imagine a witch
would live. Her home was so popular with visiting witches that it became the
headquarters of SOWWWW, the Society of Wicked Witches Wizards and Warlocks.
An old table, covered with a messy
variety of jars with scritch-scratched labels sat in a corner, and a couple of
old wooden chairs sat at either end. A shelf over the table held a motley
collection of ancient, dusty spell books.
Moribunda hunched over a boiling
cauldron in the middle of the table. She stirred the contents with a long
wooden spoon, all the while mumbling to herself. She spooned out a bit, blew on
it gingerly, and then took a taste.
“Perhaps just a pinch more
woundwort, Eargore? Woundwort is wonderful with elf stew,” she said.
Eargore was Moribunda’s minion and
her faithful sidekick. He had huge ears and he was a wicked spell gone really,
really, really bad. Bless his heart!
Eargore took a bite of the elf
stew, wiggled his ears and then nodded. “Hmmm. I do believe you are right,
Moribunda. A pinch more woundwort, coming up!” He took a jar off the shelf and
spooned a tiny bit of grayish powder into the cauldron.
“Perfect, perfect!” Moribunda
cackled, stirring the concoction once more and taking another taste. She frowned, shrugged, then took the jar of
woundwort from Eargore and dumped the entire thing into the stew.
“If a little is good, then a lot is
better! Can’t have too much woundwort, can ya now, I always say.” She took
another taste and smacked her lips. “Now it’s really perfect! Time for lunch!” she said as she ladled the
mixture out into two bowls.
They sat down to eat and had only
taken a few bites when Eargore pricked up his enormous ears.
“I do believe someone approaches,
m’lady,” he said.
A few moments later, there was a
loud pounding at the door.
“Curses!” Moribunda cursed. “This
happens every time we sit down to eat! Can’t they wait until after lunch? See
who it is, and be hasty about it. I can’t stand that infernal noise!”
“We could ignore them. Perhaps
they’ll go away,” Eargore suggested.
The knocking at the door became
louder, and someone shouted. “Moribunda McEvil! Are you in there? I must see you
immediately!”
Moribunda groaned. “Go ahead, then. See who it is.”
Eargore rushed to answer the door.
“All righty! Keep your knickers on! I’m comin’!” he said.
When he opened the door, Eargore
was dismayed to see that the visitor was none other than Snitch, the
Tattle-Tale Fairy. Snitch was about as raggedy as a fairy could be. He wasn’t
very tall, and he wore brown rugged boots that looked like he had trudged
through a swamp. His wings were tattered and his tunic was threadbare. He was
beside himself with excitement as he swooped his way into Moribunda’s home.
Eargore frowned. “What do YOU want?
We just sat down to our lunch. Moribunda is much too busy now for visitors.
Please call again when it’s more convenient for us.”
“Sorry, this can’t wait! It’s urgent,”
Snitch said.
“Moribunda!” he sang out, ignoring
Eargore. “I have news! I’m sure you’ll want to know my news. It’s the best yet!
Am I wrong? Am I ever wrong?”
“Oh, it’s you,” she said with a frightful
scowl. “What could you have to say that would interest me, the most evil wicked
witch in this kingdom? And at lunch time, to boot!”
“I’m pretty sure you’re gonna want
to hear what I have to say!”
“What makes you sure of that,
little tattle-tale?” Moribunda asked him.
“Because I have news!” he replied
again.
“So you said, Snitch,” Moribunda
answered, yawning. “But as you can see, we just sat down to lunch, and our brew
is getting cold. Please write your news down on a scroll and roll it under the
door and I might have time to read it next week. Maybe. If I’m not too busy
being wicked and evil!”
With that, Moribunda turned away to
leave. Eargore pushed Snitch towards the door.
But Snitch was persistent and
pushed his way back in. “This cannot wait until next week! You’ll never guess!
Come on, guess!”
Eargore wrinkled his nose. “What’s
this I smell? Something rancid, I believe. Oh, look, it’s the little
tattle-tale fairy, come to tell tales and stories! With yet more of his
earthshaking news. Ho hum. What is it this time, Snitch? Have more toadstools gone
missing from the woods? Or maybe there’s been an ogre sighting?”
Snitch looked indignant and pulled
his tunic down. “Fine then!” he said. “I’ll take my tale down to the Tavern in
the Woods and tell everyone else. Won’t YOU be sorry when you’re the last to
know!”
Snitch turned to leave, but
Moribunda grabbed him by the collar of his tunic. There wasn’t anything that
annoyed her more than being the last to know the news. And Snitch knew that!
“Oh, all right!” she said. “Fine
then! Out with it or I’ll curl your tongue so you’ll never tell another tale!
But this news of yours had better be good!”
Snitch got a cunning look on his
face. “Well, you see, this is really big news! But…I’d like to be paid for my
work. After all, even a fairy has to eat!”
“Moribunda is not in the habit of
paying for news, Snitch. You should know that by now,” Eargore reminded him.
“Oh, horseflies! Fine, then. I was
just out minding my own business, near the castle, ya know? When I happened to
be up on the wall of the tower, looking in the window, and…”
Moribunda interrupted him. “How did
you just happen to be up on the tower wall?”
Snitch gulped. “Bird watching?”
“Ha! Continue with your droll
little story,” Moribunda yawned. “Or should that be troll little story?”
Eargore laughed.
Snitch blushed with embarrassment.
“I am not a troll! I’m a fairy!” he exclaimed. “As I was saying, I happened to
overhear Queen Floribunda talking with King Rosario. It seems that she was very
excited about something, and then she ordered Chester the Jester to have some
invites printed!”
Eargore shrugged. “So what? It
sounds like the Queen is planning a party. They frequently have balls and sad
little affairs and such at the castle. Big whoopee. I do not see why this
should concern us.”
“Yes, but it’s not just ANY party,”
Snitch confided. “Not an everyday party, at least. She’s planning a…”
“…wedding?” Moribunda interrupted
again. “I’ll bet she’s planning a wedding. I suppose one of her handmaidens is
getting married. She does so dote on her servants.”
Snitch shook his head. “No! Not a
wedding….it’s much more exciting than a wedding,” he said gleefully, bouncing
up and down on his pointy toes.
“A jousting tournament, then? I do
so love jousting tournaments! Or perhaps a duel?” Eargore lunged and pretended
to shoot an imaginary pistol. “I haven’t seen a good duel in an ogre’s age!”
Snitch shook his head. “No, not
those either.”
Suddenly, Moribunda reached out and
grabbed Snitch’s nose and gave it a good tweak. “Out with it, you little
tattle-tale! Enough of this dilly-dallying around! I don’t have time to waste
listening to your tittle-tattle!”
Eargore laughed. “Tattle-tale
tittle-tattle! I love it! Good one, Moribunda.”
Snitch yelled. “Ow, let go of me
nose! All right! I’ll tell. The king and queen are planning a birthday party!
For Princess Primrose!”
“Who?” asked Moribunda.
“Did I hear you correctly, Snitch?”
asked Eargore, frowning.
“You heard me. A party for Princess
Primrose,” said Snitch.
Moribunda frowned. “I don’t believe
I know any Princess Primroses. I know a Princess Penelope, and a Princess
Petunia, and a Princess Pertrubia and even a Princess Polyantha, but no
Primroses. And how old is this new princess?” she asked, staring at Snitch.
Snitch had never seen Moribunda
react like this to news before. It was a bit worrisome. He gulped. “She’s not
exactly what you’d call a new princess. She’s been around for a while. I
thought you….”
“HOW long, Snitch?” she shouted.
He thought a moment. “I guess she’d
be, oh, about fourteen human years now? Surely you know of her. She’s your
sister’s daughter, after all.”
“WHAT? Fourteen? Curses!” Moribunda
shrieked. “How dare you not keep me informed! How dare my sister have a baby
and not tell me! I didn’t even know she was expecting! Nobody tells me
anything!”
Snitch spoke in a whisper. “I
thought you knew about Princess Primrose. I was just going to mention the
party. I thought you’d want to know about the party, but… Oh dear, what have I
done?”
Moribunda paced the floor and wrung
her hands together as she mumbled. “A new little princess, eh? Nobody ever
tells me anything around here worthy of mention! This changes things!” She
stopped pacing.
“Eargore!” she shouted.
“Yes, madame?” he squeaked.
“Did you know about this child?”
she asked him. “The truth, now!”
“Well, um, yes, actually I did,
madame,” Eargore said with a gulp. “I knew you’d be upset, so I didn’t tell
you. I’m sorry! Please forgive me!”
Moribunda frowned, then suddenly
grinned wickedly. “Hmmm… I wonder if she takes after her Aunty Moribunda?”
Snitch thought a moment. “Well, no,
actually, she’s quite beee-you-tee-ful! And the King is beside himself with joy
and has planted ten acres of red rose bushes for the Queen in honor of
Primrose’s birthday!”
Moribunda screamed.
“Beautiful? I’m ruined! I can’t allow a
beautiful princess to grow up in my territory. What will the members of SOWWWW
think of me? I’ll be voted out as president!”
“Who?” Snitch asked.
“SOWWWW! The Society of Wicked
Witches, Wizards and Warlocks!” she answered, pacing across the floor. “They’ll
never let me live this one down! I’ll never be able to show my face in the
kingdom again. How could I allow this to happen? I’ll be ruined by my own
niece!”
“Beg your pardon, madame, but we
all thought it best not to tell you,” Eargore explained. “We’ve been able to
keep it quiet so far. Until this little snitch snitched!”
“How many know about her?” she
asked. “Well, tell me!”
Eargore cringed. “The whole
kingdom, I expect. Well, everyone but you.”
By now Moribunda was pacing back
and forth so fast, she was almost a blur. The dust on the floor was raised in a
cyclone. Eargore knew that look, and ducked under the table for cover. She
started grabbing and throwing things. Eargore didn’t look forward to cleaning
up after this.
“And roses! I hate red roses!!! I
hope they have big fat thorns on them and she sticks her royal finger! Serves
her right! King Rosario never planted roses for me, when we… Oh, never mind!
That’s all water under the moat--- but a new princess! THAT I can’t ignore. No
matter what, no matter who she is!”
Eargore crept out from under the
table and tried to calm her. He knew trouble when he saw it brewing. “With all
due respects, madame, you are powerful, but how could you have prevented it?
That family of yours is known for poppin’ out with beautiful children. There’s
no way you could have known.”
She turned on him. “Oh, stop
sucking up, Eargore! The fact is that I’m ruined. Ruined, I say! I’ll never
hear the end of this. My sister gets to live in the castle with my darling King
Rosario, and now THIS? I can’t bear it!”
Eargore thought for a moment.
“Might I suggest a little…well, a little tweaking with history?”
“What do you mean?” asked
Moribunda. “Speak up! My patience is wearing thin!”
“Actually, I’m not sure,” he
shrugged. “After all, you are all powerful and the most wicked of witches.
Surely there’s something we can do. Something deliciously evil, perhaps? Or
delightfully dastardly?” He rubbed his hands together with glee.
Snitch stepped forward reluctantly.
“But…like what? What would you do? You wouldn’t actually harm the child, would
you? After all, she’s your…”
Moribunda interrupted him. “What do
you think, Snitch? Why did you come to me, if not to do harm to the child? Why
did you even tell me about her? I was fine before I found out. Not knowing was
a good thing! But oh, no---you had to snitch.
I just can’t help myself now.
It’s not in my evil nature to let perfect opportunities go to waste.”
She paced some more, then stopped
abruptly. “Eargore! I need some ideas! The spell books! Bring them to
me—quickly!”
“Yes, madame! The spell books!
Spectacular idea!” He pulled a chair over to the shelf and clambered up. “Let’s
see what we have here.”
Snitch was horrified. “No! NOT the
spell books! Please! Anything but the spell books!”
“Ah, yes, here we are. Just the
ticket!” Eargore took down a stack of the old books, blew dust off the top one
and handed them to Moribunda.
She took the books from Eargore.
“It’s been ages since I’ve had to resort to this kind of evil spell. I’m
getting a bit rusty,” she admitted, leafing through several of the books and
tossing them aside. “Hmm, these are worthless! Nothing in this one---nothing
suitable. This has to be GOOD! …. Ah ha! Here’s a classic! How to Do Away
Permanently with a Beautiful Princess, Even if She is Your Niece. Let’s see,
rose blight, thorns, pricking fingers, noses falling off---ah, here we are!
This one is the perfect spell for her!”
Moribunda squinted into her
cauldron. “And while I’m at it, I might put a spell on the Queen so that she
can’t smell those roses! I could do something to her nose….let’s see, what can
I do?” She continued reading from the spell book, rapidly flipping the pages
back and forth. “Ah ha! And here’s the perfect spell for them!”
“You aren’t going to...kill her,
are you?” Snitch whispered.
Moribunda cackled. “Kill my sister
and niece? Oh no! Here’s the good part! Maybe I’ll put them all to sleep for
millions of years, then when they do wake up, Floribunda will be an old hag,
all wrinkled and gray and very unattractive, and all the rosebushes will be
shriveled up! That’ll show Floribunda who’s the most beautiful! Or, I could do
something else. I haven’t decided yet! And as for the Princess---well, I don’t
know exactly what I’ll do, but you can be sure I will have something especially
evil planned for her.”
“I didn’t want you to actually hurt
her!” Snitch cried. “You wouldn’t hurt Princess Primrose, would you?”
Moribunda laughed and it made
Snitch’s blood run cold. “What would you suggest I do, Snitch? Send them a
flowery little greeting scroll congratulating them on the birthday of their
precious pretty Princess Primrose? I’m called wicked for a reason, Snitch!”
“Well, I never really thought about
it,” he admitted.
Eargore nodded. “That’s your
problem, Snitch. You don’t think!”
“Now when is this party? Speak up!”
Moribunda demanded.
“Well, I believe it’s this weekend.
What are you going to do?” Snitch asked.
“Don’t you worry yourself what I’m
going to do,” replied Moribunda. “So, the party’s this weekend, eh? Then we
have no time to waste!” She clapped her hands, “Eargore, help me gather some
ingredients. Quickly now!” She pointed to a page in the spell book. “Let’s try this one, shall we?”
He grinned and nodded. “Yes,
madame. Delighted to, madame!” He read the spell all the way through and
quickly gathered a number of jars together on the worktable. “I will admit I’ve
missed whomping up evil spells and such. It’s been ever so long!” he said as he
worked. “Just like the good ol’ days, eh?”
Moribunda rubbed her hands
together. “I cannot wait! And a party! What a perfect time for my evil plan to
go into effect! Not only will I eliminate that beautiful princess, I’ll also
severely tick off my sister the Queen and pay King Rosario back for what he did
to me! Everyone will know how wonderfully EVIL I really am!” She cackled and
loud thunder boomed through the sky and a fierce wind came up and whistled
through the walls of the lair. Lightning crackled and Moribunda cackled. She
danced around as she chanted.
“Double
trouble, we’ll stir up some trouble!
As
the cauldron boils and the ingredients bubble!
I’ll
turn my sister’s life into rubble!”
